Thoughts

Today I have many thoughts running through my head. Many know that July is a tough month for me, it would have been Rich’s and my 58th wedding anniversary on July 29th and his 79th birthday on July 31st. Grief is like an ocean, it comes in waves. Some days I’m fine while others days I can’t even function normally.

My brain wanders and wonders and I get to where I constantly over think or don’t think at all. Sleep is out of the question and sometimes I just curl up with Snowball and pray for a better day tomorrow, other times I pray I don’t see another day. People say it get’s better with time, I’m not sure if it will.

I need to keep busy or I feel like I’m losing it so that’s what I’ve been doing again this month. I read an ad from Marketplace where someone had free concrete pieces and when I saw the address I realized it was from our old interior decorating shop that we retired from in 2018.

I messaged them about picking some up and I made four trips to load up the back of my SUV. The first three were big chunks, some 40 -50 pounds but I loaded them like there were the size of a brick. The last load was 3 canvas tote bags and a box filled with smaller sized pieces. This is not just cement, it’s mixed with small stones and even sea shells so it’s a bit decorative. (And the price was right, can’t beat free!)

I arranged some of them in front of my back fence while others I removed my redneck log edging and used the cement pieces. I also saved the smaller pieces to make a border around a front tree between my neighbor’s and my house but that will wait until it gets much cooler. I’ve got a stock pile of larger ones to border around my Mexican Petunias when I get to that. I know I couldn’t do all this lifting and hauling on my own, Rich was sending down his strength to help. And now I feel a bit of peace knowing the concrete came from where we spent so many years together at work.

The SUV needed a good cleaning when I was done hauling but again, that’s something that brings me pleasure doing, knowing that Rich always kept a clean vehicle. It’s things like this that gives my brain a break from all the wondering about “what if” and could I have done something different that Easter morning of 2024.

The 13 weeks of attending Grief Share was helpful and now there are monthly meetings for those of us that need help in between times. It’s just so hard after 59 years to lose the love of your life and not know what to do.