It Will Take Time

This is something I’ve never gone through and I don’t know how to handle it. At times I think I’m doing okay but other times I’m falling apart. I think of the past 59 years together and how we were so excited to be close to 60 years. We had a lot of love and memories and I’m trying to have those memories keep me going but it will take time.

It’s hard when something triggers me, like yesterday I glanced at his magnetic board by his computer and I saw one of the cute little cards he wrote for my 70th birthday. Nothing fancy but written with love.

When Alex and Lia are over, they keep me going but I know I also have to be strong for them. The hugs I get from Lia just melts my heart and all the pain and sadness goes away…until they go home.

At times I’m angry, wondering why and how come. Was there something I could have done, was there a sign somewhere that I missed? My mind is all over the place with questions but no answers. I need to stay busy and the past few days that’s what I’ve been doing. My daughter is coming back for a week in June and I’m so looking forward to that. She’s going to check on my de-clutter projects. I need to start in small areas so I can keep focused. So Monday I worked in the downstairs half bath.

I took everything out from under the sink, organized my homemade storage buckets and found so many bandaids scattered all around. When Lia needed one she would decide which box she wanted to open and ended up with many. LOL

I tossed anything that was almost gone or we hadn’t used since last time I re-organized. I ended up with an entire kitchen trash bag filled with stuff I don’t know why I saved. But after I completed my cleaning I felt so good to have one room totally done even though it was a small one. I even sent my daughter a picture of my accomplishments!

Tuesday I was right back in my rut most of the day until my neighbor Judy popped in. She seems to know the perfect time to visit. I made chocolate milkshakes and we just sat sipping them and chatting. Both my daughter and granddaughter and now Judy told me I have to start eating so since I had three gang up on me I made tuna melts on mini Hawaiian rolls. They were delicious and I guess I didn’t realize I was hungry until I started eating them.

Since I don’t sleep well I decided to organize the bottom shelf in the pantry where Lia stores her baking pans. It was about 8:30 PM and figured I’d be done by 9. Well once I started, I ended up re-organizing and sorting everything in the pantry! I had one large trash bag filled with outdated items, I mean WAY outdated, like from 2022! They get pushed to the back when I add new things and then I forget what we have. I ended up with 2 large trash bags filled, our cardboard recycling box filled along with our filled bottles and cans recycling box.

I lost track of time since I was so into getting the pantry organized and when I got done it was 11:30pm! It took me three hours on a small pantry but it’s done and I can’t wait until my daughter sees it all organized.

As I looked in the garage I had 2 large trash bags, 2 kitchen trash bags plus a my cardboard recycling box waiting to go in the car. I already had two other recycling boxes in the back hatch so wasn’t sure if everything would fit but I crammed some in the back seat and double decked some in the back hatch.

Wednesday morning Snowball and I took everything to the recycling center and what a great feeling that was.

Yesterday I only did a super small project, I organized the medicine cabinet. Yes the candy on the bottom shelf is the best medicine at times. I wish there was some place to take new, unopened medicine, I’m sure there are people who can’t afford medicine and food so they have to chose one. I have some many full bottles of Rich’s RA medicine that will just be discarded when I return it to the pharmacy.

I find I need to stay busy especially when I’m alone. I know it will take time but I will get through this, I just don’t know when or how long it will take. I’m taking it day by day knowing that Rich is watching over and guiding me along my new path.