How’d You Pick That Name?

She wandered through the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport terminal, looking for gate C, but everything was a blur through teary eyes. “Maybe I should just turn around. It’s technically not too late. Maybe I can get part of the ticket refunded? He probably didn’t mean it. This stuff always happens, we can work it out like we always do.” Stuff like this did always happen, and far worse honestly, but for some reason this time was different. After years of being 15-19, supporting a 22-26 year old man, most of the time being the only one working, paying all the bills, taking care of him and their home, all while getting lied to, constantly emotionally abused, and occasionally physically abused.. she had finally had enough. And the strange thing was, this particular incident wasn’t even that bad; just one of their typical run of the mill arguments. She had dealt with countless drunken fights, painful lies, finding out about other women being kept a secret behind her back, to the point it had worn down her mental and physical health beyond repair. Somehow all of that she could find a way to forgive though, but never could forget. Everything she thought she could move past just continued to burn a hole in the back of her mind, but “It could be worse”, she always told herself. Her grandma’s friend, Terry, sent her a message during one of their fights once, telling her to read the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13, and to reflect on whether or not it was still true if she were to replace every use of the word “Love”, with Jeremy, her boyfriend’s name. It wasn’t, at all, but she would never admit that to anyone, hell, she could barely admit it to herself. Spending the first 17 years of her life growing up in a house where her own parents hated her and went out of their way to make her miserable, and kept her from her grandparents, the only people who ever did love her, she clearly didn’t know what real love looked like. She knew she wanted it though, so she was desperate to find it, or at least something that resembled it.

• 

But for some reason after this last argument, she realized there was just no point. 19 years of getting treated like dirt from the people closest to her, never being heard no matter how much or how loud she talked, pleaded, or cried; she had no fight left. After years of battling with depression and suicidal thoughts, she knew all she could do at this point was go home. Home to her grandparents. So mid-argument something snaps, and she just stops talking, pauses, and says “Ya know what? I give up.”, books a flight for the next morning, and spends that whole night packing.

Sitting at the gate, she checked her social media. Obviously, removing Jeremy and his family and changing her relationship status on her wall raised questions from friends. She didn’t have the energy to answer though. Just sat there for 15 minutes that felt like 15 years. The intercom notifies everyone that row B is now boarding. The part of her that’s terrified of change and uncertainty won’t move, but the part of her that says it’s time to finally give up on someone who’s never once tried for her, makes her stand up and board the plane. She spends the next two hours with headphones in her ears and tears running down her face.

The plane lands, and everyone exits. Her heart sinks because reality is setting in more and more of what’s just happened. Jeremy texts and says he’s sorry and hopes she’ll come back when she’s ready, which is a totally different demeanor than the one he had when he responded with “Good. Go. I’m not gonna stop you” when she told him she was leaving. This was a one way trip though. She stands outside, with her one bag of what little she had to her name, waiting for her grandparents to pick her up. They pull up and her phone goes off with a text saying “We’re here, where are you?”. She’s standing maybe 30 feet from their car, but they don’t see her, because they don’t recognize the thin, pale, sickly-looking, shell-of-her-former-self she has become.

• 

Her first month back is spent in an intense depression. Old acquaintances want to hang out, her grandparents try to surprise her with little things to make her smile, her siblings check on her regularly so she has someone to talk to. She just sits in her room and cries though. Wondering what she did wrong. Why she gave so much, only to receive nothing in return? Why she continued on that path for so long? Why she remained so loyal to someone who didn’t care for her at all? Why she didn’t listen to all the people who gave their outsider perspective and tried to help her? What was next for her? She figured she needed to get a job. She worked at her grandparents’ family business, but she couldn’t just live off them forever, and maybe being forced to get out of the house would be a good distraction. She loved animals so she applied to all the local pet stores. Later that night, while lying awake crying once again, she prays. Prays to God for strength to get her through what she’s dealing with and to get her life back on track. To guide her through this new life of uncertainty she has thrown herself into, but also, for a friend. Not a boyfriend, not a relationship, just a real friend for once. Because even though she had her grandparents, she felt alone, and she didn’t want to hurt them by telling them the extent of what she was going through anyway. She felt unlovable. Sure, her grandparents and siblings loved her, they’re her family, but as for anyone else, she figured it just wasn’t possible. She needed to know that someone could at least love her for who she was, even if it was only as a friend. She knew she couldn’t handle anymore relationships right now anyway, but she still needed someone to talk to, to confide in, to finally trust, to spend time with so she could start to feel normal again, and maybe that help her through hard times until she got better.

The next morning she gets a call from Petco about coming in for an interview. She tells her grandparents and her grandpa says “That’s great. You’ll do great, you’ll make lots of friends, this will be really good for you”. She just kind of shrugs and nods in agreement. He says “Who knows, maybe you’ll even make a friend. A special friend.” “No. I’m done dating. If I can’t have a relationship like your guys’, I don’t want one at all.” she immediately replies. “I didn’t say a boyfriend. I said a friend. Just a friend.” he repeats.

Two days later, she wakes up early, showers, does her makeup for the first time in forever, and her grandparents bring her to Petco for the interview. Before getting out of the car, her anxiety skyrockets and she second guesses whether or not she’s ready to get another job yet. Her grandparents assure her she’ll be alright, so she slowly walks into the store. She waits up front for the manager, Robert. Robert calls her into his office and starts asking the typical interview questions. Why she wants to work there, what experience does she have with animals, and verifies the information on her resume. Then he asks what brought her to South Carolina. “Needed a change of scenery”, she shyly replies, fighting to keep a smile on her face.

Robert offers her the job and she accepts. “Lemme give you a tour of the store while you’re here” he suggests as they walk out of the office and down the main aisle together. “These are our fish and reptile aisles, fish tanks are back there” Robert says pointing to his left, “Then birds and small animals, cat stuff is in this section over here” he continues while pointing in different directions as they walk, “And then the rest of this is dog stuff. Toys, treats, collars, and these are the different aisles of dog food” he says as they pass the main aisle of dog food. They’re almost done walking the store, when they pass an aisle where someone is putting dog food bags away. “Oh, and this is one of our department managers, Stevie. He’s the companion animal department manager” Robert says. Stevie sets a bag down, turns around, and they both kind of froze for a second, seemingly caught off guard by one another. “Whoa” she thought “he’s cute. I’m definitely in no position to have anything more than friends right now though”. They briefly exchange semi-awkward “hey”s and half smiles before Robert starts walking to finish showing her the store. They walk the last aisle, Robert tells her her start date and she heads home, anxiously awaiting what this new job holds for her, and hoping this will be the start of a new beginning for her.

A week later she shows back up for her first day. Different coworkers are introducing themselves and telling her different things about the store and tasks that get done. One of her coworkers, Dani, starts cleaning out the Guinea pig habitat with her, showing her the specific way the store wants things done. A customer comes up looking for Dani so she says “I’ll be right back. I’ll have somebody come help you finish this up”. A few minutes later, someone walks up from behind and asks “You got it? Need any help?”. She turns around, it’s Stevie. “No, I’m good, thanks. Dani and I are just finishing up the animals” she nervously responds. “Ok, if you need anything, I’ll be by the fish” he says as he heads down the aisle. Dani comes back and they move on to cleaning the bird cages. After taking out all the toys and bowls, Dani tells her “these just have to get taken to the back sink to be washed. If you wanna go and do that, I’ll stay here and clean the insides of the cages”. She nods and heads to the back of the store. While she’s in the back cleaning, someone comes into the room. It’s Stevie again. “Hey, Dani said you’d be back here cleaning up. Thought I’d come help” he says as he grabs a sponge and a bowl. “Oh, ok, that’s cool” she nervously replies again. Within no time, they’ve struck up the most causal conversation, which was weird for her because she’s anxious around everyone new she meets and is terrible with starting conversations in the first place. He asks her where she moved from and why, so she gives him an honest but vague answer “I used to live here and I needed to come back to be with my grandparents”. She talks about their family business and he tells her how he’s always wanted to open his own business, specifically a pet store, and that was part of the reason why he started working at Petco. He tells her about what his job entails, with being in charge of, taking care of, and placing orders for the animals. “So, can you order a chinchilla?” she jokingly asks, because they’re one of her favorite pets but are hard to find in pet stores. “I mean, I could but they’re expensive and don’t sell very easily. But if you want one, I’ll order it for you” he jokingly replies, “Just don’t ask me to order you a tarantula, I hate spiders!” she laughs and agrees she’s not a fan of spiders either. The conversation just kind of went on forever, about anything and everything, and for once, she didn’t feel anxious or uncomfortable around someone she had just met. She was good at reading people based off first impressions and the impression she got off him was.. genuine. He just genuinely seemed like a good person, just trying to be nice to those around him.

Within her first month there, she started looking forward to work, and dwelling less on the past. Her and Stevie actually ended up becoming pretty good friends. They’d talk about random stuff during and outside of work, and she got to the point where she felt comfortable enough to start giving him bits and pieces of her life story and how she ended up where she was. She trusted him. He offered to show her around the city since she had been moved away for so long, so they decided to go grab dinner at a place called Yamato, then walk around Broadway at the Beach. They walked all the shops, and even want into a salsa store and immediately dared each other to try the hottest one. She opened up to him a little more, finally feeling like she had a real friend for once. They spent the next few hours, his arm around her, just walking around, talking about whatever they saw or whatever came to mind, and once it got late, he brought her home. When she walked inside, her grandparents asked her how her night went, and she told them, to which her grandpa replied “Told you you’d make a friend”. 

Over the next few months, they inevitably got closer. Working together and hanging out on their days off. They even had to face their fear of spiders together when their boss asked them to move a tarantula from one cage to another. She’d stay at his apartment some nights to take care of his dog when he had to work late at his other job, they’d cook together, listen to music and drive around, try new restaurants, play video games, go see movies, take his dog to the park, get frappes together before work; they basically did everything together. He even took her to the emergency room and stayed with her when she woke up one night puking from a kidney infection. She had opened up to him about basically everything. He knew her completely, past and all, and she eventually realized he was her answered prayer. The friend she had been looking for. Not a boyfriend, just a best friend. They had talked about relationships in general before though. She told him how she’d always wanted something like her grandparents’ fairy tale marriage, meeting 50 years ago, falling in love immediately, getting married and living happily ever, but she figured that was impossible nowadays. Stevie agreed that part of the reason why he chose to stay single after his last break up was because that’s what he wanted too, but didn’t think he’d ever find it. Since he was a little over a year out of a bad relationship that ended with him getting cheated on, and she was still in a weird back-and-forth with her ex who was begging her to come back, they were both keeping their distance, emotionally-speaking. 

• 

• 

• 

She was obviously torn, because she didn’t want to leave the new life she had started making, but she knew this new “perfect” life of hers couldn’t last forever. Nothing good in her life ever lasted so, as crazy as it seemed, she started convincing herself that maybe she should go back to Ohio to the life of certainty she had known. Her ex swore he would change, that he was a new man now and that he wanted her to move back so they could spend time together and see if they were ready to be together again. Stevie obviously didn’t want her to move back; by this point he was well aware of all the hurt her ex had caused her and he knew it was just bound to happen again, but he just wanted her to do whatever would make her happy. Time went on and the more her ex got into her head, the more she thought she needed to move back. Obviously, Stevie and her family thought she was making a mistake, but she just saw it as “I’ll go back, see if he’s really going to change so we can get back together, and if not, I can always just come back here for good”. Her family still worried though. November rolled around and she was booking her flight back to Ohio. In the back of her mind she figured it would probably end up being for nothing, but she still felt like she had to at least give it one last try. “Worst case scenario, I just come right back” she kept reassuring herself. She just had to be sure. That night she prayed to God to give her a sign that everything would be okay, and that she wasn’t making a huge mistake.

When the day came for her to catch her flight back to Ohio, Stevie and her grandparents accompanied her to the Myrtle Beach Airport. Stevie waited with her by the doors while her grandparents went and found a parking spot. He gave her a long hug and said “I got you something”, and handed her a card and a tiny stuffed bear. “This was my little lucky bear I had back when I was running track in college. Hang onto it for me? Until I see you again. Maybe he’ll give you good luck too.” She opened the card and it read:

• 

She froze and looked up. She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to avoid this from the beginning because she didn’t want to hurt him if she did end up having to move back. “I love you too.. I’m so sorry” she said, hugging him, as he reassured her everything was okay. Her grandparents walked up from their parking spot, everyone was holding back tears as they all took their final pictures together and said prolonged goodbyes. She grabbed the printed copy of her ticket, checked in her bag, and her and Stevie slowly started walking towards the TSA line. Everyones’ tear-barriers broke all at once. She didn’t know when she would see any of them again. Even though it was technically all her own choice, she still felt it was all beyond her control. Her grandma gave her one last teary-eyed hug and pointed to a sign on the wall. It was just some random advertisement for a local college, but in bold letters it read the words “Where Your Dreams Come True”. Choking back tears her grandma said “This. This is where YOUR dreams will come true. So whenever you’re ready to come back, we’ll all be here for you”. She paused and replied “…I know. I already told Stevie, if anything, I’ll probably be back by Christmas.. I just.. I need to be sure.” She picked her bag back up, and joined the line of people waiting to go through the metal detectors.

• 

While waiting in line, one of the TSA worker’s ticket readers malfunctioned and the entire line was put on hold. While everyone was waiting, she noticed on the wall her flight’s “Arriving” status, changed to “Boarding”. She looked at the TSA worker and asked “Excuse me, that plane isn’t about to leave, is it?”. “What?” the worker half replied looking up at the wall, “Oh. No. You’re probably fine. Boarding takes at least a good 15 minutes.” The ticket reader was fixed, she made it through the line, and rushed up the steps, after giving her family one final wave goodbye. As she arrived to her gate, her stomach dropped— her flight’s status changed to “Departing” and the plane was slowly pulling away. “Uh. Ma’am, I was supposed to be on that plane. There was a problem with the ticket reader downstairs so everyone was asked to wait while it was fixed” she anxiously said to the worker. “Sorry hun, planes boarded. Best I can do is get you a flight for tomorrow. Tomorrow is the last day for this routes flight until April” the worker replied while pulling up a ticket to print off. She called her grandma, explained what happened, and went back downstairs to meet the three of them at the door she came in. “Well.. at least I get another day here” she said trying to lighten the mood. They all joked that maybe her missing her flight was a sign that she was meant to stay. Stevie had already switched days with a coworker to be able to have her original leaving date off, so there was no way he’d be able to accompany her to the airport tomorrow. They decided to spend the rest of her last day together. It was a pretty sad day, to say the least.

The next morning came, Stevie dropped her off to her grandparents so she could grab her bag, before he left for work. “Just one month, right?” Stevie said hugging her goodbye. “Right..” she replied fighting back tears. Her grandparents brought her back to the airport to have a repeat of the day before, except this time she caught her flight. Once again, she had her headphones in her ears and tears in her eyes. Except this time it was different. Before, she was scared because she was leaving a life of certainty, for a life of uncertainty, that she thought would be miserable. Now? She was leaving a life that, even though it maybe have been uncertain, she was finally starting to feel happy. She felt.. loved. She was so confused. She still wasn’t quite sure what she was doing or thinking, she just kept telling herself “I just have to be sure before I give up completely”.

She arrived at the Cleveland Airport, went down the “arriving” escalator instead of up the “boarding” escalator this time, grabbed her bag from the check-in conveyor belt, and slowly walked outside. Jeremy’s car pulled up and he got out and ran to her for a hug. She didn’t know how to react. She felt awkward. “I missed you so much, I’m so glad you came back, I promise everything’s gonna be different this time, watch!” Jeremy said excitedly. She put her bag in the trunk and got in the car. Something didn’t feel right. She wasn’t sure what, but everything just felt.. off. She figured she had just gotten used to her life in South Carolina so maybe she would just need some time to adjust. She stared out the window, hoping she didn’t just make a huge mistake, but reminding herself she needed to be fair to Jeremy and give him one last chance to prove he could change.

A month passes, and her and Stevie still talk daily. He may be 1000 miles away, but that’s still her best friend. She feels it’s kind of unfair to Jeremy but at the same time, she’s a month into being back and she hasn’t seen any of this “change” he promised. Stevie keeps asking her “so does that mean you’re gonna come back?”. “No, I can’t yet. I… I just gotta be sure, yenno?” she always answers. “So.. since you won’t be back by Christmas after all, can I come see you?” he asks. “What? That’s not a cheap flight, especially this time of year” she says. “I know. I’m gonna drive” he says. “You know that’s like a 14 hour drive, right?” she asks him. “No, I looked it up, it’s only like 12” he quickly responds. She definitely misses him but wonders if it’s a good idea to be seeing him again already if she has no idea when or if she’s moving back. She definitely doesn’t feel she’s worth the money or time on his part, especially since she knew he’d only be able to get enough time off work to visit for maybe a day or two. She pauses then says “Believe me, I want to see you. But that’s an awful lot of time and money, that I don’t think should be wasted on me. I’ll come visit my grandparents soon enough and I’ll see you then”. “It’s not a waste, I wanna see you. If you tell me not to come, I won’t, otherwise I’d really like to come visit you, even if it’s only for a day or two” he replies. Sure enough, two weeks later, Stevie texts her to tell her he just left and he’s on his way up to Ohio. She doesn’t understand why anyone would want to drive that long, just to spend one or two days with her. The only other people to have ever done that for her were her grandparents, and even she always thought they were crazy for that.

They text while counting down the miles and he sends regular updates. It feels surreal to her to think that she’s actually going see him again. Then she realizes, looking forward to seeing him again was the happiest she’s been since the last time she saw him. She chalks it up to just still not being adjusted to being back yet and just that she’s missed her best friend. A few hours later, Stevie texts and says he’s at his hotel. He drove straight through so the 12 hour drive somehow turned into a 10 hour drive. She shows up to the hotel, nervous for some reason. She hasn’t been nervous around him in what felt like forever. She takes the elevator up to his floor, walks down the hall looking for his room number and as she approaches it, her hands get shakey. It still didn’t feel real. She gets to his room, knocks on the door, and to mess with him says “Room service” and steps out of the way of the peep hole so he won’t see her. He opens the door, not seeing her, and she jumps from around the corner and they both jump into each others’ arms for a hug. She’s still shaking with nervousness at this point, and it still doesn’t feel real, but they’re beyond happy to see each other again. They catch up, talk like it hasn’t been over a month since they’ve last seen each other, then Stevie pulls out a card and small bag and says “I know we said we weren’t getting each other anything for Christmas but i just had to get you this”. It was an iPhone. Her current phone was some old junky prepaid that was in desperate need of an upgrade, and Stevie had always joked about getting her a new phone. “You know I can’t keep this, right? That’s too much” she insists. “No, I promise I didn’t even spend that much. You just needed a new phone, and now you have no excuse to not answer when I call you since this phone isn’t busted like your old one” he jokes. They spend the rest of that evening together sitting and talking, about stuff she’s missed since leaving Petco and how they want to spend their time tomorrow before he had to leave. She left the hotel that night, so glad to be seeing him again, even if it’s only for a little bit. She goes back the next morning and they decide to go to a local mall together to walk around. They stop by American Eagle and she helps him pick out some clothes. It’s like old times and she couldn’t be happier, but then the end of the day rolls around and she remembers he has to leave first thing in the morning. They head back to the hotel, so she can drop him off before heading back home. They stand outside saying a goodbye that lasted forever. “This time flew by way too quick” she sadly says to him. “Well, you know we’re all waiting on you to come back. So, whenever you’re ready.” he replies. They hug for what feels like an eternity, then she gets into her car to head home. As soon as she pulls out of the hotel parking lot, she immediately starts crying. “I officially have no idea what I’m doing.. I came back here cuz I thought I needed to, but it’s done me no good. That’s it, I need to give myself an official deadline for this mess. 6 months. If things haven’t changed then, they never will. I can’t keep doing this, not only to myself, but to the people that care about me” she thought to herself. She knew none of her choices were making any sense, and she needed to put a stop to it. She got home, so happy to have seen Stevie again, but so upset to have had to say goodbye again. She knew something had to give.

May rolls around, 5 months into her 6 month deadline she had given herself and things hadn’t really changed much. Jeremy was putting in minimal effort to be a “a new man”, and even that seemed forced. She didn’t really think things were going to work, so she figured it would be time for her to leave soon. Half the reason she had stuck around thus far was because of her parents’ child abuse trial involving her siblings, going on in Indiana that she was told she would have to testify in. Plus, she just didn’t like the idea of being 14 hours away from her siblings if they needed her during this stressful time for them. One morning, she woke up with what felt like strep throat, so she decided to stop by the urgent care to get a prescription before going grocery shopping. While at the urgent care, her blood pressure was rather high, so the nurse ran a couple EKGs. A doctor came shortly after and told her “Your EKGs are giving a very abnormal reading. I think you should go to the emergency room. Honestly, you shouldn’t have even driven yourself here, there’s a good chance you could pass out at any moment with the way this reading is looking”. She didn’t know what to think. She knew her blood pressure and heart rate were always kind of high but she never thought anything of it. She insisted she was okay to drive but the doctor insisted she go to the emergency room immediately. She goes, and after a few x-rays and tests, doctors find she has a large shadow on her left lung, but they aren’t sure what it is. Weeks pass and after multiple CAT scans and MRIs at various hospitals, it’s concluded she has a 10cm tumor intertwined between her aorta, lung, and spinal cord, that they believed had a possibility of being malignant, and would most likely leave her paralyzed from the chest down if not removed soon. She gets set up with an oncologist for further testing, and because she knows she wouldn’t be able to get the same health insurance in South Carolina, she has to stay in Ohio until her testing is figured out. A couple months pass and it’s finally determined that the tumor is benign but has to be removed immediately to avoid paralysis. She’s scheduled for an eight hour surgery that November, and is told to expect 18 months for recovery, accompanied with monthly MRIs to make sure the tumor doesn’t start to grow back.

As months pass, she’s stuck in Ohio awaiting surgery, and things with Jeremy just end up going downhill. She found out that within the hour of when she left the year prior, he had already went back to talking bad about her to one of his old secret girls. She also found out he was going on secret dates with some 17 year old girl he was working with at his current job. His lies continued and his drinking got worse, so she dismally accepted that their ship had sailed. She asked him why he even bothered with her anymore if that’s how he was going to be. His only response was “Well I thought you had cancer, you can’t just bail on somebody during a time like that. If anything, I at least should wait until after your surgery and you’ve healed up”. “So you’re sticking around out of pity? I’d rather not have you around at all if THAT’S why you’re staying” she argued. She didn’t really care though, emotionally she was done. She was sure finally and now just had to wait out this surgery and healing time so she could head back home.

November 4th, 5am, she heads for the Akron General Hospital for her surgery. Her grandparents drove up a few days prior, and Jeremy and his family also came for support. Stevie wanted to come but she thought it was best he didn’t because she knew Jeremy would start drama. The doctors affix electrodes to her hands, that will connect to different parts of her brain, to make sure they don’t accidentally cut any important nerves while removing the tumor. 7am, she gets ready for surgery, her grandma gives her one last hug before they wheel her out of the room. She feels the anesthesia making her sleepy, then suddenly it’s 10pm. What was supposed to be a 9 hour surgery turned into an all day event. The surgeons finished up at 9:30pm and told her grandparents to expect her to take a few hours to wake up from the anesthesia. She was awake within 30 minutes, and even though she wasn’t aware of much else at the time, she was just coherent enough to page a nurse to her room to say “my phone. I need my phone please. My grandma has it downstairs. Can you get it please?”. She wanted to text Stevie and tell him she was okay. She was scared and hurting and she wished he could’ve been there. She spent the next week in the hospital, with Stevie’s lucky bear by her side.

The next few months passed, she slowly healed, and went to all her MRI appointments; her grandparents coming up for each one. She made good progress and eventually monthly appointments were no longer necessary, she just needed to come back for a 6 month scan in October 2017. She figured if she had been fine all this time though, that maybe the 6-month appointment wouldn’t be super necessary. Still talking daily, she updates Stevie on her progress and how she’s thinking about coming back soon. “I hope you mean that..” he says, “I’ve honestly waited this whole time, in hopes that you’d come back. I know I’ve never told you this but, you remember that day we met? Well two nights before, when I was praying, I told God I felt like I was done taking my ‘me time’ after the bad relationship I had been in, and that I was ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I asked the man upstairs to bless me and bring someone new into my life.. and two days later, you came into Petco for your interview.. That’s why I’ve never lost faith that you’ll come back. God wouldn’t answer a pray like that for nothing. I’ve just gotta have faith, and give you time to do what you’ve gotta do.” She was shocked. She had never told anyone, not even Stevie, about the night she broke down and prayed three nights prior to her interview.

Late July, she went to New York for her grandparents’ 50-year wedding anniversary at the church where they got married. While sitting in the pews, she thought to herself how she would love to get married in that same church someday. The two things she always wanted to accomplish in life before her grandparents left this earth were: getting married, and having kids. It was important to her that they experienced those milestones in her life, and with Jeremy she knew neither of those would happen any time soon. Jeremy didn’t even want to get married in a church, let alone one that was states away, and he definitely was in no position to be a father any time soon. She watched as her grandparents walked down the aisle together, again, this time with 50 years of happiness accompanying them, it was then she realized it was time for her to leave. Medical issues may have gotten in the way before, but now she had no excuse. The life she had always wanted, she knew she couldn’t get with Jeremy, so Ohio was just a waste of time at this point.

• 

When she got back from New York, she started planning a date to leave. She was going to spend some time with her siblings in Indiana to help clear her head, before making the 14 hour drive back to South Carolina, since she didn’t know when would be her next opportunity to see them. September came around, and she loaded her car and told her brother she was on her way; she was going to stay with him for a few weeks. Jeremy wasn’t really able to process her leaving because he finally realized it would be for good this time. He tried to apologize for things in the past, begged for one last chance, but she knew it was all a facade. “Look, it didn’t work before, I came back to see if things would be different, and it still didn’t work. It’s not going to work. You know it, I know, we need to just rip off the bandaid now. I’m leaving and we need to cut contact this time, I’m sorry” she said, before getting into her car and driving off.

The drive to her brothers’ was only maybe 6 hours but it felt like 6 days. She was full of mixed emotions. Upset she had just wasted 6 years with someone who didn’t actually care for her, but ecstatic to be seeing Stevie and her family again soon. She knew she had wasted 6 years but she accepted it was a lesson. She learned to stop giving so much to only get nothing in return. She learned she needed to start taking risks and stop fearing uncertainty, especially when the certainty was misery. She learned she needed to take a leap of faith every once in a while, and trust that God was looking out for her. She needed to take control of her own life for once and stop letting other people influence her choices. She felt free for the first time in her life. She realized life was short, and she needed to stop wasting it. She needed to start cherishing every moment she had with those that matter, and those who don’t aren’t worth her time. She looked at 1 Corinthians 13 again, and realized.. Terry’s suggestion, of replacing “Love” with a name, finally worked: Stevie. 

She arrived at her brother’s apartment around 4am. She stepped out of the car, into the dark, silent parking lot. It was just barely chilly outside, and the stars looked exceptionally bright in the clear sky. Staring up, just standing there for a moment, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and thought to herself, “I’m.. I’m okay now. Everything is finally gonna be okay..”. She felt a strange sense of relief wash over her. She no longer felt sad, but optimistic. It was different, but she liked it. The next six weeks were amazing. She spent every second with her siblings and her brother’s girlfriend, and she made sure to cherish every moment of it. They made up for all the lost time of not seeing each other, they lifted each other up from different struggles they had been facing over the years, what little money she had she spent all on them because it made her smile. She was looking forward to seeing Stevie and her grandparents again, but she also never wanted her time in Indiana to end. Everything was just so happy and positive; it was exactly what she needed. 

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November came and it was time for her to head back to South Carolina. It was hard saying goodbye to her siblings, but they promised they would be seeing each other more often from now on. She texted Stevie to let him know she was on her way. This time she was the one giving the hourly updates. As she crossed different state lines, she took in all the scenery. She felt like she was seeing life differently for the first time. She felt so.. content. When she reached Tennessee, she had to get out at the state welcome center to walk around, because the fall trees along the mountains were just too beautiful to not stop and admire. She only had a few hours left until South Carolina. Stevie was at her grandparents’ house, where the three of them anxiously waited for her car to pull up. 

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2am and she was finally in Little River. The nervousness set in; she hadn’t seen Stevie in 2 years and it didn’t help that she looked like a train wreck after 14 hours of driving. She pulled in, parked, and gave herself a quick 30 second hair and makeup fix before getting out of the car. Again, she looked up at the sky, and thought “Wow.. this is really happening. I’m here again. I drove 14 hours, and now I’m here. For good this time.” and walked towards the front door. She could see her grandma standing in the entry way through the glass door. She opened the door and they hugged. “Well, it may not have been that Christmas but at least you were back before this Christmas” her grandma said smiling. She paused for a moment not seeing Stevie, then he jumped out from behind her, how she did to him at the hotel, and again they jumped into each others’ arms. Only this time, it wouldn’t be temporary. This wasn’t a “I’m so glad you’re visiting” hug, it was a “I’m so glad you’re home” hug. Her grandma pulled out a little poster she made, board covered in old pictures that read “Welcome home Alex, we love you”. She was home. “I got you something” Stevie said, handing her a big faux red rose, a stuffed husky puppy, and a card. She was so nervous, she didn’t speak much, but she couldn’t stop smiling. None of them could. 

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The next day, her and Stevie went out to lunch and caught up some more. They went back to his new place, and the puppy she used to take care of years ago, was now full grown, but still ran up to her and cuddled in her lap like he always used to do. Everything felt right again. Life was back to how it should be. She felt stupid for taking so long to come back, but she knew everything happened for a reason. 

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Time passed and they were right back to how they used to be, doing everything they used to do together, except this time, it was as a couple. She got a job, they were planning on finding a place to live together soon, everything was going great. They talked about wanting to start a family together one day, but didn’t know when would be the best timing. They felt ready, but they figured, like everything else pertaining to their relationship thus far, that ultimately God would decide when it would be best for them. Not long after, she was late on a period, and decided to take a pregnancy test. Two faint little purple lines started showing up. “What’s that mean?” she thought to herself, checking the back of the box. Her jaw dropped and the box fell from her hand, onto the bathroom counter. She texted her brother “I have something to show you”, “Okay, what?” he replied. She sent him a picture of the positive pregnancy test along side the box’s directions. “WHAT?!?!? IM GONNA BE AN UNCLE?!” he sends back. It made her smile. She always knew she wanted her brother to be the first to know, whenever that time did come. She then sent the picture to her sister and her brother’s girlfriend. She didn’t want to tell Stevie yet though, it was going to be a surprise. After another positive test just to be sure, she broke the news to Stevie, and he was just as shocked as she was. They set up an appointment with a local clinic to get one final positive test and an estimated due date. She wanted to wait to tell her grandparents until she found a special surprising way to do so.

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A week or so passed, and some issues started arising. After a trip to the emergency room, it was determined she was having a threatened miscarriage at 5 weeks. She felt numb. It was the first time she had felt anything but happy since she arriving at her brother’s apartment back in Indiana. It hit her like a ton of bricks. She was scheduled to work, so she went in anyway. Her boss could tell something was off, so he pulled her aside and asked what was wrong. She showed him the paperwork from the hospital and his eyes immediately welled with tears. As a father of five, he had experienced a couple complications with some of his children over the years, one of which being a threatened miscarriage. “My son is 2 now, so just hold out hope” he told her, “in the mean time, I think you need to go home. Come back when you’re ready.” She thanked him and left. When she arrived home, her grandparents were confused. “I thought you worked today?” her grandma asked. “Tommy said I could leave” she replied. “Why? What’s wrong? What’s going on?” her grandma wondered. She hesitated on whether or not she should tell them. She wanted it to be a happy thing, she wanted to find out everything was going to be okay and then tell them then. But she didn’t want to keep them in the dark in case things did take a turn for the worse. “Well” she hands her grandma the positive pregnancy test from the clinic, then hands her hospital discharge paperwork for the threatened miscarriage. “Wait. Wait what? Who? Is this you? When was this?” her grandma asks. She didn’t have words, so she just points to the dates on the papers. “What is it?” her grandpa asks. “She’s pregnant.. but having a threatened miscarriage.” her grandma responds. “They took my hormone levels today. I go back in 48 hours so they can take them again. If they’re increasing, we’re fine. If they don’t.. well..” she explains.

Two days later she goes back to get her levels checked, Stevie and her grandparents go with her. She spots her levels from two days ago on her chart. 10,390 was abnormally high. Like.. twin level high. “Guys..” she says “what if I’m having twins? That number’s not supposed to be that high for one baby”. The doctor comes back with her results, “you’ve gone up to 15,244.. which isn’t doubling but we think you’re increasing just enough to not be miscarrying.” They’re all relieved. Out of curiosity, she asks the doctor about the levels, and what are the chances she’s pregnant with twins. The doctor says there’s no way, that the level’s not even close to the amount it would be for twins, but she’s almost certain he’s mistaken. They set her up with an appointment with an OB doctor and she heads home, praying her baby or babies will be okay.

Two weeks later, she arrives at the OB for her first ultrasound; she’s now six weeks and six days along. It’s been a rough two weeks. Her grandma and Stevie are in the room with her, and everyone’s anxious to hear good news. The doctor starts the ultrasound and takes a minute to find the baby. “Alright, there’s baby, and here’s the heartbeat” the doctor announces. She hears the heartbeat playing from the computer, and her own heart skipped a beat. She was so relieved to hear that sound, she starts crying. “Oooh.. looks like we’ve got two sacs in here though” the doctor says, flipping the screen around, “but only one heartbeat. Looks like the smaller sac stopped developing about two weeks ago”. Twins.. it was twins.. She couldn’t let herself dwell on the loss, but instead focus on the positive. She had one healthy baby, and she heard the heartbeat. That made it so much more real for her, finally hearing that sound. She waited so long to hear it, and she was so grateful to finally be able to. 

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Weeks passed and the healthy baby stayed healthy. She bought her own doppler so she could hear the baby’s heartbeat whenever she needed reassurance. It motivated her. Motivated her to keep on this path of a more positive life, not only for herself, but now for her child as well. Months passed and the baby was growing at a steady pace. When the time came for the ultrasound that would reveal the gender, they had the ultrasound tech give the answer to her grandma, so her and Stevie could find out the gender AT the gender reveal, as a surprise. They planned out this whole little thing with colored Hershey bars in a piñata. When they got home and cracked open the piñata, they saw the pink candy bars and discovered they here having a girl! Even though she felt like she was having a boy, they had no preference; all they wanted was a healthy baby to make it into this world.

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Within the next couple months, they found a new home, got all moved in, and set up a nursery. Now all they needed was to come up with a name. They had made lists of potential boy and girl names ahead of time, but none of the girl names seemed fitting. Weeks passed and it wasn’t until her 31st week when she decided on one. She told Stevie one morning “Ya know, I think faith has played a big role in our relationship and how things turned out for us. We always had to keep faith. And when you had no idea when or if I was moving back, you took a leap of faith and decided to wait for me. And when I had no idea what life would have in store for me after leaving Jeremy, I took a leap of faith and came back down here. I think we should name her Lia Faith. A leap of faith, gave us Lia Faith”

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A little less than 10 weeks later, it was time for her to get induced to have her daughter. She walked into Loris Hospital at 6am, more anxious than she had been in a long time, but so ready to meet her daughter. At 9am, her pictocin was administered to start her labor, and at noon her water was manually broken. Her dilation and effacement made slow and steady progress throughout the day. “You should be having your baby in a few more hours!” she was told every couple hours by nurses; what was supposed to be a 4pm delivery, turned into a 6pm delivery, then to a 9pm delivery. She started to worry because she really wanted to be able to deliver naturally and avoid a c-section. 10pm came around and her dilation had stopped. Nurses were having her hold different positions to see if anything would change, but nothing helped. At 11pm, they tried one last position but she was still stuck at about 7cm. Anxiety was really setting in now, as the doctor and nurses were preparing for a c-section. There was one other woman having a baby as well, across the hall, so the doctor was going back and forth, tending to whoever needed him first. As she laid there worrying, her grandma was on the phone with a friend, and the two of them said a prayer for her, praying for a safe natural delivery. When the nurse came in to check on her at midnight, she had suddenly hit 10cm dilated and 100% effaced. “You’re 10/100!” the nurse said surprised. She immediately texted Stevie, who was in the next room updating his parents, that their daughter was coming soon. He ran back to the room, and she started pushing. The doctor wasn’t in the room yet so halfway through, the nurse told her she had to stop and wait for him. It only took maybe three minutes for the doctor to get in the room, but it felt like three hours. After five more minutes of pushing, she was holding her healthy baby girl. All she could say was “oh my God”, while crying. In that moment, it hit her. Everything she had been through, her whole life, brought her to this moment. The last 21 years of hurt, finally paid off. If anything in her life had gone any differently, if she had stayed with Jeremy, if she didn’t come back to South Carolina, if any other seemingly-painful change at the time hadn’t happened, she wouldn’t be holding her precious daughter right now. She looked into her daughter’s eyes and everything felt so worth it. She was finally truly happy, and it was all because of.. a leap of faith.

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This blog was written by my granddaughter, Alexandra – category  Alex Articles in The Martha Review. Check out her other great blog posts here: http://themarthareview.com/category/alex-articles/